Some of them are going to use that profile to represent themselves really well and see who messages
So here’s the thing–the point of profiles on online dating sites is whatever the people constructing the profiles think it is. Some are going to use the profile to screen out the people they don’t think they want to talk to. Some are going to use the profile to attract as general a range of potential dates as possible. If someone isn’t using the site the way you want them to, it doesn’t mean their way is wrong, it just means that they are using it differently than you. Perhaps their goals are different. Perhaps their methods are the ones that work for them. Regardless, it doesn’t mean they’re doing it wrong, it means they’re doing it their way. If their way is one that you find pointless or bland or repugnant, clearly they are not the person for you, and that is okay. Because not everything is for you. Neither is everyone. Rejoice in the fact that you have discovered that people who use OKC are not for you.
When I was on OKCupid (years ago) they were definitely playing both sides of this. They had the quizzes, but they also had a ranking system of “attractiveness” based on how many people interacted with your profile. Then they showed you potential dates that matched your level of “attractiveness.” This incentivized rejection-avoidance behavior so that you would actually be able to look at a larger swath of dating profiles, and it was p garbage. CA’s advice is on point, but OKCupid should stop that nonsense if they haven’t already.
They definitely have. The “attractiveness” slider still exists, but it’s exclusively for people who pay to use the site, and I’m not 100% sure that it even DOES anything.
I’m not a fan of frequent “I love you”‘s, but I don’t want to feel anxious about making the other person feel weird/uncomfortable when I tell them what I like about them or show physical affection
Ha! Ayn Rand was a firm pass for me, too. First scan was for that, second was for any sweeping comments about “how women are” or anything angry (I don’t do well with angry, plus the angry ones seemed to be mostly angry in a punching down kind of way). Messages about how I’m too (pretty, interesting, whatever) to respond to poor, nice guy him were immediately deleted. I was also honest about my appearance/height/weight, general possible dealbreakers (feminism, being a take charge woman, etc). It worked out well.
Found my husband online – he was wonderfully open and honest about himself and his message showed he read my profile, had zero entitlement re: my response or interest, and was just introducing himself. I could still swoon over how respectful and nice that message was.
I cannot overstate how empowering it can be to put your basic wants and needs out there and be as specific as possible before even talking to the person – as Kat G says, it will really help you deter the people who are a bad fit and draw in those who are a great fit. I’ve been on Okcupid for slightly more than a month, and from the beginning my “You should message me if” section included these criteria, inspired by Captain Awkward’s profile:
They’ve changed the system a lot in a way that I feel leads to more real interactions – seem to be trying to position it as NOT like Tinder or other similar “swipe” apps
– You’d like to date someone demonstrative. It’s also really important for me to feel secure that they will appreciate my impulse and mirror my feelings. If this sounds good to you, we might as well meet up and see if our definitions of “demonstrative” mesh.